Why it is a terrible idea to ask my husband or sister for blog post ideas.
To be fair, Kara’s weren't terrible. Bad. But not terrible. But as I can’t think of anything else to write about, I will address each and every one of these topics. (Yes, yes, I’ll be brief.)
- Fantasy Football Update – I lost last week because they reviewed the tape and made a stat correction. This means that I got screwed by the NFL and everyone who works for them. Literally. (Ok, not literally. That would be awful. I’d have to get up very early in the morning to have time for all of that.) But I am not as optimistic as I once was. Le sigh.
- Food Dehydrator – Did it yesterday, Carter. Too late. And there were zombies.
- Debate at Centre – I actually am pretty enthused about it. It’s at my Alma Mater. Centre is one of the most amazing places on earth and I’m so excited that it will take centre stage (Get it? I know, I know. I AM hilarious.)and the world will get to see what a great place it is!!! (Note: for all of my readers who went to Centre, let’s be honest with ourselves. Tonight will be 8.2% about watching the debate and 93.8% about reminiscing about how we ran naked around that flame and oh look at the new Lincoln statue I want to run naked around that too and how I used to eat lunch there and that’s where I threw up one time after the Electric Jello Party. It’s okay. No judgment here. We’ll all be doing it. For thy gifts we offer thee, Centre dear, our loyalty, right? Loyalty: meaning that even when we are the centre of the political universe, we will probably be spending most of the evening playing Where’s Waldo with the Dead Fred portrait and looking for President Roush. Am I right or am I right? Or am I right?)
- My [Kara’s] Fear of Feet – Kara has a huge fear of feet. I’ll tell you a story one time about lots of feet in a hot tub. But it’s too long for today. Remind me later.
- Fear – Between the two of us, Kara and I are afraid of pretty much everything. My fears include but are not limited to zombies, jellyfish, aggressively-ironic hipsters (the kind that take a typewriter to the park), flu pandemics, choking to death alone in my apartment, being eaten by a housecat, being smothered to death in my sleep by an overweight and over-fluffy housecat, clowns (all kinds), being mugged, being served housecat in an international restaurant, getting food stuck in my lungs and dying of an infection from all of the mold, basements, attics, scary movies (all kinds), the end of Pixar (knock on wood, may it never end), waking up naked in a crowded airport terminal, getting sucked into an airplane toilet, and sharks. Kara’s fears include but are not limited to meningitis, dengue fever, botulism, her throat closing up for no apparent reason, choking anywhere, feet, bugs, bug bites, Taylor Swift getting happily married and never writing another angst-ridden song again, Taylor Swift never writing a song again period, waking up naked anywhere, strongly worded opinions, loose powdered bronzer, and never owning a cat ever.
- World Hunger – Let’s solve that. I read a statistic that said that we throw away something like 60% of the food that we produce in the world. WHAAAA?!
- World Peace – Let’s do that too. My strategy? Give everyone a puppy and a pumpkin spice latte. Ain’t nobody fighting when they’re holding a puppy and pumpkin spice latte. Then, while all the bad guys are snuggling their sweater wearing yellow Labrador puppies, we will take their weapons and melt them down into the world’s largest playground slide! That shit’s gold.
- Melting of the Polar Ice Caps – Carter, you are the most morbid person ever.
- Beer – Yes, please.
- Hamburgers – I wish. I haven’t had a burger in 4 months. I rather miss beef. Where is it, anyways?
- Pooch and his Cutco – Carter’s brother sells Cutco. I have a few pieces and I have to say, it's pretty good stuff. Now, I should disclose that I received all of said Cutco as wedding presents. Baby's too poor to buy that shit. Even if it can cut a penny in half with ease. (Carter's DYING to try that. I, the funsucker that I am, keep telling him no. There are so many ways that could go horribly awry.)
- Video Games – Can anyone tell me if they make Yoshi’s Story for the Wii? Remember that game? Where Yoshi just eats all the fruit? That’s my speed. Halo? Not so much. The last time I played, I shot Carter’s character by accident and he yelled at me for a year.
- Board Games – The only way to ever win/end a game of Monopoly is to cheat. It’s been scientifically proven. By my cousin and I. The game went on for 6 days and 6 nights before we got so frustrated that we started eating the paper money. True story.
- The Annexation of Puerto Rico – This is, apparently totally legit and "the greatest football play in the history of football ever." I haven't seen Little Giants in a really long time and forgot. I'll admit it. I thought that Carter was talking about a literal push to bring Puerto Rico into the union. (I'm so tired!)
- My [Kara’s] Fear of Meningitis – This is actually not so out of the water. There has been an outbreak of fungal meningitis recently that has been linked to steroid epidurals in the spine for people with back and hip pain. “Oh you’re in pain? Here’s some meningitis. You won’t even notice your back pain in a week! You’re welcome!” But in all seriousness, it’s no laughing matter – ask your doctor LOTS of questions before you let them put that needle in your spinal cord. Life lessons, kittens.
- My [Kara’s] Fear of Strange Bug Bites – I’m gonna give this to her too. I got bitten by something in Italy and my foot and ankle swelled to 3 times their normal size. It was like having a bowling ball for a foot. No laughing matter. Never did find the bastard.
- My [Kara’s] Fear of Choking – Also legit. I think they even did a Sex & the City episode about it. Maybe not. But they should have. Advice? Chew thoroughly. And never eat hot dogs while watching 30 Rock. (Did you know that more people choke on hot dogs than any other food? It’s because you’re essentially eating rubber. True story.)
- How I [Carter] Fear Nothing – [*crickets*]
- Hello Kitty Island Adventure – another game that I could be quite adept at. Like Spongebob Squarepants and the Flying Dutchman. I am AWESOME at catching those jellyfish. Little bastards. Clearly my fine motor skills need some work. But also...
Happy "Thursday/Debate Day/My College is Frickin’ Awesome and Now Everyone Will See That" Day, y’all!