While driving to the airport early Saturday morning to catch our flight to Washington, D.C., Carter announced that he wanted to get a motorcycle someday. And then asked me what I would do when he did it.
ME: What would I do if you got a motorcycle? That all depends. Did you buy it on the sly?
CARTER: No, I’d tell you. You know the rules. No purchases over $100 without prior approval.
ME: Well you’d have to join a motorcycle group, then, wouldn’t you? I don’t think you’re allowed to just own a motorcycle without being in a club or something. So you’d have to become a member of a nice club.
CARTER: Why a “nice” club.
ME: Well, duh. If you’re not in a nice club, you’re in one of those Sons of Anarchy kinds of club. It’s called a 1% club. A large portion of their profits are made through illegal goings-on.
CARTER: You seem to know an awful lot about this.
ME: When I lived at home we watched a lot of TV at night. Have you ever seen my dad turn the channel away from an episode of Gangland on History Channel if it’s featuring motorcycle gangs? No you have not.
CARTER: No, I have not. Wow. You’re right.
ME: Correct. You have not, nor will you ever, see my father change the channel when something about motorcycle gangs is on. Just as you will never see my mom change the channel when Dogs 101 is on Animal Planet. Because she watches it with Lola. Because it’s Lola’s version of Baby Einstein. And my mom has no boundaries when it comes to that dog and can’t say no.
CARTER: So what’s the appeal?
ME: Well, it features lots of different breeds each episode. It really is a good show if you’re puppy shopping.
CARTER: NO! What’s the appeal of the motorcycle gangs to your Dad?
ME: I have no idea. I think because they’re all Boardwalk Empire-y. Only more mobile. I can’t really see Nucky riding a hog.
CARTER: They didn’t have them back then.
ME: Proving my point! But if you’re serious about the whole motorcycle thing, I’m sure my dad could recommend a club for you. Granted, you’d have to change your entire appearance and ethical code, but that’s not so much.
ME: Or we could start our own motorcycle club! And our patch would be my teacup piggie. Because if you get a motorcycle, I get a piggie. And Lola! But the piggie would be riding Lola on the patch because THAT’s irony and I think bikers appreciate irony!
|Oh yea, mom, we're all ready for the rally. As soon as we tell Mittens here that because he didn't practice knitting a thumb gusset into his hand-warmers he's not invited. Sorry, Mittens. Better luck next time.|
CARTER: Do you hear yourself?
ME: And instead of racketeering, we’d host bake sales! And we’d knit little hand-warmers and saddlebags! And have side cars. Side cars would be mandatory.
CARTER: So you’re essentially proposing that The Red Hat Club become a motorcycle gang.
ME: Drive-by lunching! OMG YES!
CARTER: This. This right here is why no one ever wants to hang out with us.
This is kind of how Carter and I both miraculously woke up at the same time on Saturday morning because we had weird dreams. Only in his weird dream, he had been drinking with his brothers and accidentally broke a bunch of stuff and in my weird dream I gave birth to a baby penguin that I then named Bustopher Jones after the character in the musical CATS. I just have a much better imagination than Carter.
Ok so maybe it's not at all like that. But I think the Teacup Piggies would be an amazingly popular motorcycle gang. You know, for those of us who are afraid of jail. And confrontation. And meth.
Dibs on the sidecar.
Happy Monday, y’all!
Teacup Pig: http://www.yeepet.com/blogs/Teacup-Pigs%253A-The-Big-Secret-of-the-Miniature-Swine-2434