While driving to the airport early Saturday morning to catch
our flight to Washington, D.C., Carter announced that he wanted to get a motorcycle
someday. And then asked me what I would do when he did it.
ME: What would I do if you got a motorcycle? That all
depends. Did you buy it on the sly?
CARTER: No, I’d tell you. You know the rules. No purchases
over $100 without prior approval.
ME: Well you’d have to join a motorcycle group, then, wouldn’t
you? I don’t think you’re allowed to just
own a motorcycle without being in a club or something. So you’d have to become
a member of a nice club.
CARTER: Why a “nice” club.
ME: Well, duh. If you’re not in a nice club, you’re in one
of those Sons of Anarchy kinds of club. It’s called a 1% club. A large portion
of their profits are made through illegal goings-on.
CARTER: You seem to know an awful lot about this.
ME: When I lived at home we watched a lot of TV at night.
Have you ever seen my dad turn the channel away from an episode of Gangland on
History Channel if it’s featuring motorcycle gangs? No you have not.
CARTER: No, I have not. Wow. You’re right.
ME: Correct. You have not, nor will you ever, see my father
change the channel when something about motorcycle gangs is on. Just as you will
never see my mom change the channel when Dogs 101 is on Animal Planet. Because
she watches it with Lola. Because it’s Lola’s version of Baby Einstein. And my
mom has no boundaries when it comes to that dog and can’t say no.
CARTER: So what’s the appeal?
ME: Well, it features lots of different breeds each episode.
It really is a good show if you’re puppy shopping.
CARTER: NO! What’s the appeal of the motorcycle
gangs to your Dad?
ME: I have no idea. I think because they’re all Boardwalk
Empire-y. Only more mobile. I can’t really see Nucky riding a hog.
CARTER: They didn’t have them back then.
ME: Proving my point! But if you’re serious about the whole
motorcycle thing, I’m sure my dad could recommend a club for you. Granted, you’d
have to change your entire appearance and ethical code, but that’s not so much.
CARTER: [face-palm]
ME: Or we could start our own motorcycle club! And our patch
would be my teacup piggie. Because if you get a motorcycle, I get a piggie. And Lola! But the piggie would be riding Lola on the patch because THAT’s irony and I
think bikers appreciate irony!
 |
| Oh yea, mom, we're all ready for the rally. As soon as we tell Mittens here that because he didn't practice knitting a thumb gusset into his hand-warmers he's not invited. Sorry, Mittens. Better luck next time. |
CARTER: Do you hear yourself?
ME: And instead of racketeering, we’d
host bake sales! And we’d knit little hand-warmers and saddlebags! And have side cars. Side
cars would be mandatory.
CARTER: So you’re essentially proposing that The Red Hat
Club become a motorcycle gang.
ME: Drive-by lunching! OMG YES!
CARTER: This. This right here is why no one ever wants to
hang out with us.
This is kind of how Carter and I both miraculously woke up
at the same time on Saturday morning because we had weird dreams. Only in his
weird dream, he had been drinking with his brothers and accidentally broke a
bunch of stuff and in my weird dream I gave birth to a baby penguin that I then
named Bustopher Jones after the character in the musical CATS. I just have a much better imagination than
Carter.
Ok so maybe it's not at all like that. But I think the Teacup Piggies would be an amazingly popular
motorcycle gang. You know, for those of us who are afraid of jail. And confrontation. And meth.
Dibs on the sidecar.
Happy Monday, y’all!
Teacup Pig: http://www.yeepet.com/blogs/Teacup-Pigs%253A-The-Big-Secret-of-the-Miniature-Swine-2434
Gangland: http://shop.history.com/detail.php?p=70294&ecid=PRF-2100797&pa=PRF-2100797
First off, I want a piggie too! Those are so friggin CUTE! Second, my hubby is obsessed with shows about Biker Gangs too. (I spent WAY too much time living in questionable neighborhoods surrounded by Sons of Silence and bartending in Biker Bars. For me, the thrill is gone. LOL!)
ReplyDeleteAlso, thumb gussets aren't that bad. I can help with that for a piggie!
Piggies for everyone!!! I'm glad my dad is not alone there. The thrill was never there for me to begin with, haha! I've only knitted scarves. Straight lines that go on forever. I need to branch out. I need to thumb gusset.
DeleteThis is totally why we WOULD want to hang out with you. Harleys and teacup piggies! Rock and roll with a little Charlotte's Web on the side!
ReplyDeleteAw, thanks! That's exactly how I would describe myself - "Hardcore badass with a profound live of children's animated feature films."
DeleteNeeded a good laugh! thanks :)
ReplyDeleteYou are most welcome! :-)
Deletewe had 2 pigs named dwight and ramona. dwight knocked ramona up and she birthed 8 babies. dwight, angry and separated from his woman, started to chase people. ramona, slovenly, turned out to be a terrible mother and constantly laid on her children. the five remaining children were removed from their parents custody and became a gang of ruffians who tried to bowl over their foster mother when she came with their bottles. dwight and ramona went to town. the five hell raisers grew to be strappy teenagers who refused to respect the boundaries of their enclosure. one day the while their foster mother was away the pigs are believed to have runaway. no trace of them has ever been found. their foster father denies any involvement in their disappearance.
ReplyDeleteAre all pigs really like that?!?!?!? What?! It's like the pet cow that I inadvertently ate because my ex-boyfriend fed it to me. Pookie could never respect the boundaries of his enclosure either!
DeleteI always love when you comment, Bev! :-)
I learn so many new words when I red your blog! Trade you my gremlin terrier for a teacup piggie?
ReplyDeleteOMG I think Charlie is adorable! Whenever I get my teacup piggie, we can exchange trades! :-)
DeleteI'd definitely join a knitting, lunching motorcycle gang! This is what's been missing from my life!
ReplyDeleteI'll start organizing it! the start up fee of buying a teacup pig is kind of expensive but I figure we can make up for it with the profits from our bake sales and knit-a-thons.
DeleteI always wanted a Harley and living dangerously could be fun....right?!?! Ok so I like to crochet and would there be cupcakes because that does sound a little more tempting than jail!!!!
ReplyDeleteCrocheting and cupcakes are WAY more my style. I think if I ever went to jail, I'd get traded around for skittles and cigarettes because I'm such a wuss. Because in my imagination, Skittles are a commodity in jail, which probably is a better indicator of how I picture it than anything. Le sigh.
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