Kara’s Tips for Surviving the Mayan Apocalypse and How an Uruk-hai Walk-of-Shaming in My Building Means that One of My Neighbors is a Dirty, Dirty Slut.

So I had the weirdest dream last night. (WARNING: If you’re not in the least bit interested in the Lord of the Rings trilogy, you should probably take this opportunity to skip down to the paragraph beginning “Ok, so if you believe in that sort of thing…..” That is, unless you are of a curious nature and want to hear about my beyond-weird dream that has convinced me that the Mayans must be correct. Or if you are just anal about reading things from start to finish without jumping around in the middle. Read on!)

I was at Helms Deep and was sitting on top of a parapet as the Orc hoards were laying siege. I had a bow and arrows and was shooting at Orcs and Uruk-hai who kept trying to climb the wall. A couple of them came very close to getting me, but rather than go after me with their weird sword/ax thingies, they tried to tickle me. And then I went all Pixar’s Brave on their asses. Because I hate to be tickled. And because they are the evil instruments of Sauron himself. Duh.

So I woke up, went to the bathroom, checked then humidifier, pinned a few things on my phone, had a drink of water, and went back to sleep. And in my next dream, I "woke" up, showered, did my hair, ate breakfast, got dressed, etc. When I was all ready, I opened the door to my apartment to head for the elevator. But there was the biggest Uruk-Hai I’d ever seen in my life, checking his fingernails and waiting for the elevator. 

"I have been waiting an exceedingly long time for this elevator. I could have gone down the stairs in this time. Maybe I'll take the stairs now. Hmmm. Nope, better not. As soon as I hit that stairwell, the elevator will arrive. I just know it. Bother, bother, bother. What is a boy to do?" ...He seemed to say. 

I quickly darted back into the apartment and began shrieking for Carter to help me put all of the furniture in front of the door. (Because everyone knows that Uruk-hai are ridiculously strong.) And then grabbed for our Princess Piggy Bank, screaming, “Save us, Penelope Piggington, you’re our only hope!”

Save us with your pig-beast magic, Penelope! 

I was expecting to hear the Uruk-hai’s attempts to break down the door, but instead I heard, well, I’ll just type it out for you:

[Knock Knock]

ME: Who is it?

CARTER: Damnit, Kate! You just gave away our position! Now he knows we’re in here!

ME: I think my screaming Penelope’s battle cry may have tipped him off first, stupid.

URUK-HAI: [In a very sing-song-y voice] Special delivery!

ME: Go away!

URUK-HAI: [In same, sing-song-y voice] Pizza!

ME: No! Go away!

URUK-HAI: Candygram!

ME: I know it’s you, Uruk-hai! Now go away. I’m not opening the door. And if you try to come in here, I’ll break this piggy bank and cut you with the shards!

CARTER: [gasp] Not Penelope!

URUK-HAI: Fed-Ex! There is a package you should sign for!

ME: I already told you no! Now go bother someone else!

URUK-HAI: Publisher’s Clearing House! You're the Million Dollar Winner! (Oh, he's good.) 

ME: Look, man. You’ll not be dining on my man-flesh tonight! Now ske-daddle!

Ske-daddle. Because apparently when faced with a terrifying, 9-foot-tall giant from Isengard, I turn into my Great-Aunt Josephine.

This is why I should not be allowed to eat cookies before bed. Or have caffeine after 4 pm. Or watch LOTR at night. (I have an over-active imagination. Clearly.) 

Aaaaaaand tomorrow is December 21^st.

Ok, so if you believe in that sort of thing, the world is going to end tomorrow. Allegedly. (How ‘bout that for a Segway? I didn’t even try!) But what is more surprising and nerve-wracking for me is that fact that Christmas is 5 days away. Yep. Count ‘em. 5. And I haven’t wrapped a damned thing. I am also still waiting on something to be shipped from Italy. So that’s fun. Maybe the Apocalypse would save me….. hmm.

Anyways, since I like to think of myself as your resident go-to for all questions Apocalyptic, be it zombie or otherwise, I've decided to post tips for surviving tomorrow. These tips might also be useful to you if one of Tolkein’s monsters is ever waiting for the elevator on your floor. Obviously, the Uruk-hai was doing a little walk of shame, which makes me wonder a little bit about my neighbors. Oh well.

Tips from Kara (my sister, the anthropologist/Mayan scholar/resident of Mexico for a year) on Surviving December 21, 2012, Otherwise Known as DOOM!!!! (With my stunning commentary)

1.   Dress for the Occasion

Be sure to wear the appropriate footwear for the apocalypse. I would recommend sturdy boots. My friend AshleyRose has a theory that shoes are only worth what you pay for them if you could wear them in the apocalypse. This means no buttons or zippers. Laces are fine – I could fashion you a lovely pare of shoelaces in my food dehydrator.

2.   Go out right now and buy all the Tang you can find 

And while you’re at it, get used to the idea of drinking your own urine for a while. You know, until this whole New Government thing happens. That's what the Tang's for. 

3.       Watch Brave. And maybe a marathon of Survivor Man. 

You know, before the electricity stops loving you.

4.       Fill your bathtub with water. 

BONUS: If the Mayan’s were wrong, you already have the liquid ready to make all that Tang! Did somebody say "Hooch Party?" 

5.       Figure out what’s going to be currency in the new world order and then go to Walmart and buy a lot of it.

 Be creative here, people. I predict that dental floss is going to be big. But I've also begun buying Snuggies like nobody's business because in the post-apocalyptic world, I have a feeling that it will be paramount to be warm while at the same time having full use of your hands and arms. 

6.       Learn to build a bicycle generator. 

Then you can still play Xbox. You’ll need something to distract you from the zombies/Uruk-hai/angry cat ladies who want your Snuggies outside your door.

7.       Make love to your spouse/significant other tonight 

Because once the zombies/Uruk-hai/angry cat ladies who want your Snuggies are on the loose, you won’t have the time. You will need to be 100% on your guard. Not to mention, men, that if the running water goes, your lady probably won’t want to touch you anyways because you’ll be so gross. Not that she’ll be a peach either. But we all know that you’re far less picky. And if the world doesn't end, well hey, you got some. High fives.

8.       Buy lots of Velveeta and Spam. They’ll last forever. Oh, and drink lots of tequila to appease the Mayans. I know they’re doing that in Mexico right now. 

She would know. She lived there. So take it from an expert, people: Fake cheese and tequila is apparently where it’s at.

9.      Wrap yourself in a Snuggie. The Mayan gods won’t want to take you as a sacrifice then. ….You’ll look too ridiculous.

10.  If all of the above fails, pedal away on your bicycle generator to power your stereo so that you can listen to Taylor Swift on repeat while wrapped in your Taylor Swift afghan.

 She loves Taylor Swift. And yes, she does have a Taylor Swift afghan. Save us, Tay-Tay, with your angsty music and sparkly accessories! You're our only hope! Your glitter will blind the zombie hoards! 

For the record, neither Kara nor myself believe that the world will end tomorrow. Apparently the Mayans didn’t know about leap years and so technically if they were ever going to be right, we all would have bit the dust as a globe like 6 years ago. Oops!

https://www.facebook.com/georgehtakei

And oh my! 

But above all of these tips comes wisdom from Carter, which is to have fun with your loved ones beforehand. So here’s the challenge people: go home today and do a bunch of fun stuff with your family/friends/or self.  And then tomorrow, when we all wake up, you can be all, 

“What an amazing and fun night that was! Wasn’t that an amazing and fun night [INSERT NAME HERE]? I am exhilarated and ready to attack my Friday thanks to that amazing and fun night! Bring it on, Holiday traffic! I’m about to make you my bitch!”

Unless you wake up in the morning and there is for reals an Uruk-hai waiting for your elevator.  You’re on your own then, kittens.

Happy Thursday, y’all!

Alternate ending for Ye Apocalyptic Nut-jobs: Happy Last Day of the World, y’all!